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I haven’t written in forever. 

Forever is a really long time. 

Maybe less than forever. At any rate, it has been a while. I can never manage to keep up with a blog consistently. That seems to also be the case with my life. I don’t think I have once ever fully committed to anything.

In all honesty, I barely made it through college with the crap degree that I do have because I wanted to give up on that too. I suppose it was the fact that I couldn’t bear the thought of throwing money away without anything to show for it. I threw a lot of money away, regardless. So now I have an art degree, which in my opinion, is a joke. Some people make a good living off of them being great at what they do. I am far from great. I think it’s time to accept what I really am: mediocre. 

That’s a pretty hard pill to swallow. Thinking about it, it has been swimming in front of my face for quite some time. If you don’t put forth the effort to accomplish anything, you are doomed to become one big ball of every boring person you’ve ever met. That is not to say that boring people are all mediocre. I’m sure there are some out there that have accomplished things that would blow your mind, but they’re outliers and for the purpose of my depressing rant, they don’t matter here. 

Wouldn’t it be great if failing at things granted you some kind of an award? Oh, I see you’ve failed to be good at sports, academics, and everything else in life! That’s totally something that has never been done before! Have this award and wear it with pride! Unfortunately, I feel like that is typically the case these days. I should be disappointed in myself for allowing me to get this far in life doing absolutely nothing. I should be more disappointed that knowing all of this, I still have no idea what I’m doing or how to get where I want to be, where I see myself. 

I know that I have the ability to get things done when it really counts. I know that I am more than capable of managing folks. I know that I am a friendly, open, honest, and hard-working person. This is all when it pleases me to be all of that. Somewhere, I lost all desire to be good at anything. Maybe it’s growing up and being bitter, seeing things in a different perspective. It’s hard to watch someone else get promoted because they’re friendlier or “don’t make waves”. It’s even harder to watch an attractive someone get a raise all because they wore a low cut blouse or have that hard body and jawline that would make a woman’s panties drop. These are things that they don’t teach you in school. They don’t prepare you for this.

What they should do is teach you how to live in the real world and start treating you different from the get go. That way, you can learn early on that life isn’t fair. I can only guess that some of this goes on in the way of racial profiling and gender roles, but I haven’t studied anything that would back me up on this. The only thing I have that would attribute to this assumption is the way that news is reported. 

But with all of this said, I think the real point is that I have no idea what I’m doing in life. I don’t know that I’m supposed to in my mid-twenties. Some people have it all figured out by now, and I really wish I was one of those people at times. I can’t complain about my current situation since where I am is, well, alright. I can say that I have a million ideas of what I’d rather be doing, but I won’t be doing any of that if I never get started. I only wish I could find it in me to quit being such a painfully mediocre person and make the dull flame inside of me burst into a fury of a thousand suns.